S5E34: Breaking Toxic Cycles - How to Build Healthy Relationships That Last
If I reminded you that you are perfect, would you argue me down or step into your perfection? To perfection. To Welcome to perfection. Where there are no excuses, no Perfect. Perfect.
JClay:Perfect.
Troy Washington:What up? What up? Welcome to perfect mode. And first off, let me start by telling y'all that we love y'all. We're grateful for the opportunity to be anywhere sharing our thoughts, hopefully, and helping you realize that you are perfect.
Troy Washington:And the reason why I can say that unapologetically is because I know that you are one of one. Numero uno, you cannot be replicated, duplicated, and the only reason and I mean, the only reason you would think otherwise is if you're looking at this person on the side of you and saying, I'm not them. But guess what? You are you. And that's all you need.
Troy Washington:And of course it's yours truly Troy Washington your friendly neighborhood realtor. And I have my boy Jay Clay spiritual rapper and teacher. And we about to jump on and talk about breaking toxic cycles. How to build healthy relationships that last. What up, Jay?
JClay:What up? What up? Happy Sunday. It's all my perfect people at the perfect place, the perfect time on this perfect day. I'm ready to to talk about this.
JClay:I know that I know it's a thing going on because we talked about relationships a bit last week too. It's we we follow we're in the midst of a of a nice thing. We want everybody to hear their relationships with one another to to feel the the love and enjoyment of everyone and not be so down and mad and hold grudges, all that other stuff. But before we get into it, I wanna give a special birthday shout out to Troy tomorrow because his birthday is tomorrow, but we won't be on the show till next week. So happy birthday.
JClay:Yeah. Yeah, man.
Troy Washington:What up? Appreciate that. Appreciate that, man. Like, that's the last thing I thought we was gonna do, but that's what's up. I appreciate that.
Troy Washington:And that just go to show that's my boy. And this is not a a toxic cycle. This is a healthy relationship. So I appreciate you, brother.
JClay:Yeah.
Troy Washington:So, I guess, you know, a million things came to my mind when I first saw this topic. You know, I was like, okay, number one, do I have any toxic relationships? If I don't have any, you know, what happened to them or how did I remedy remedy them? And funny enough, just like always, before we even get to this point, I had to realize that any adversity that I had in any relationship or if there was any adversity in your relationship, what play in it? What was my what what was I bringing to the table?
Troy Washington:But what were your thoughts when you first saw this?
JClay:Yeah. So, like, one, the the this toxic word has has been so overused, I I think, in my opinion. Like, people are quick to call someone toxic when they don't agree with their way about viewing the world. And I I kinda wanna get to the root of it because people are alienating themselves and and separating themselves from their happiness. Not to say that this person is their happiness, but, like, the belief systems that they are holding because of this is kinda in line with that.
JClay:And I I definitely wanna talk about that. And and also, like, the cycles that people repeat, that actually led to the song let go. Like, I had some people in my life at the time that they were kinda voicing concerns about things or or problems they have with certain people, yet they were the one that kept perpetuating it and bringing it up and and letting that be the focal point, which made it continue and grow in their world instead of looking for the peace in it or looking for the love in it.
Troy Washington:No. I I mean, trust me. It's it's funny. Well, first of all, shout out if you don't know, let go. Y'all gotta get that song.
Troy Washington:It's still that song. And it it definitely pushes you to where you need to be, where your mind needs to be. But I I guess the the second part for me also is just having that to me this is one of the beauties of marriage. Right? And the reason why I say that is because you have to have somebody that you can throw a bunch of ideas up against that's not going to judge you in such a way that it makes you feel alienated but not only that, you being able to receive all the stuff that your your partner gives you and it's not always about your your relationship with each other but it's about the life that they engage in outside of your relationship and the things that they share and so, you know, I found myself through years being able to be the sounding board but also train myself while I'm being the sounding board because it is you just being in a judgmental space all the time.
Troy Washington:But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. That that that's that's what's good about, like, family and marriage.
Troy Washington:Like Yeah.
JClay:These are systems that people feel like well, maybe not married so much, but even just familial relationships, family relationships. Yeah. They feel like, man, I can't break this. I gotta make this work because you family. You family.
JClay:Yeah. And a lot of times, though, too, even though, you know, a lot of people are divorcing, people are sticking together. Like, man, this is my so and so. This is my spouse. This my I gotta I gotta figure this out.
JClay:And like you said, like, it it provides a system where it's like, okay. I gotta find a way to overlook these things. I have to find a way to do it. But at the same time, you know, with strangers, you might be quick to dismiss or maybe even friends that's been in your life for one or two years because you're like, no. They're not my lifelong friends.
JClay:They're not family yet. Or but but still, even then, like, I I I have a friend who had a big fight with their brother the other night, and they they wanna they they said threats to each other, like, for real, real threats. And it's it's but it's interesting, but the thing is it's it's a repeated pattern. It's the same patterns over and over again that's not getting addressed. And, yeah, we gotta we gotta address it.
JClay:We gotta get to the to the root of it.
Troy Washington:You know, what's funny is just the term that you said that it it just kinda hit me while you were saying it. When you said lifelong friends. And the funniest part about lifelong friends, you don't know who they are until your life is over. Right? Because at the end of the day, like, people are coming into your life on a consistent basis and you can say, well, these are be people that have been in my life for the longest but you don't know who's going to stick with you until the end and so, for you to be judgmental in any given instance and and discount somebody because they're new is definitely a is on topic as well.
Troy Washington:But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. What's funny about that too? I'm I'm amazed by how, you know, you you live your life for a certain amount of time, and you're like, man, I got my friends. I'm good. But then someone else comes into your life that you're like, man, how did this person become a part of my regular life?
JClay:Like, I I never expected it. And it it keeps happening, like, year in and year out. Like you said, like, it you're you're always attracting or repelling people based on who you are or based on the beliefs that you're holding right now. And so like you said, judgments man, I I I've seen judgments be a a a great killer. I know it's a strong word, but of relationships, just even friendships.
JClay:So I remember a a while ago when, like, it was a a bunch of black shootings by police and and other people and stuff. And so this is maybe like I mean, I'm not saying that it stopped, but I remember it was just like one after another on social media. And a a friend of mine of another race had voiced concerns about it. Well, you know, if it just comply or just just something, and it was just like, I was triggered by it at the time because I wasn't secure in in I I was very judgmental. Put it like that.
JClay:I I was judging her for judging me or not even me, judging what I what I identify with. Yeah. And because of that, I was I was ready to just throw the the friendship away. Like, man, what what do they know? But then I thought about it.
JClay:Like, man, am I really ready to throw a friendship away over one opinion? Like, what like, why why am I so tied to this? And I was like, you know what? Let me just let me just unfollow. You know, I'm just gonna unfollow.
JClay:I won't see those updates until I'm able to work through this, but that that way, it's not on them. It's on me to be able to work through. Like, you should be able to have whatever opinion you want. It it's it's your opinion. But, yeah, go ahead.
Troy Washington:Now it's funny that you even shared that example because during this exact same time, I had a similar situation come up, and it was funny. It was, somebody from another race who felt like we were good friends. And I I feel like I I wouldn't say we were good friends. And I wouldn't say that they think we were good friends. I would say that they feel like we were good acquaintances.
Troy Washington:Where we could literally have any kind of conversation in a sense, right? And what happened was it was one of the the black kids that got murdered and he shared a post with me and it was pointing out all the negative stuff about this kid that got murdered giving justification for the police to murder this person, right? And he was like, see Troy, this is what I'm talking about and again, I'm not trying to be but I'm just saying this is what it is, right? And the most the the the craziest thing about the the the text that he shared with me was the picture of the kid that he was showing me was not the kid in question that got murdered. But he didn't know.
Troy Washington:Yeah. And so the first of course you know it triggered me. It triggered me. Right? The first thing that I thought to myself was this is the problem here.
Troy Washington:Like, you don't even know what you're talking about. I had all of these emotions that ran through and I was frustrated and and and too like, bro, don't come at me with this bull if you don't know what you're talking about. That's how I felt. He never knew that. I I had the time digested, recognized what you're saying.
Troy Washington:They don't know what we know. They don't experience what we're experiencing. They don't have the same level of attention to detail that we have because of we're sitting at. So because of that, of course, I can hold it against him but I also can say, well, let me take this as an opportunity to educate him and so what I ended up doing was just to let you know, that's not the same person and he came back to me and was like, hey, man. I'm sorry.
Troy Washington:So you can't listen to stuff, everything on social media, and I know that now. And it he he gave me what I would feel like was a good enough reason for me to realize that I was being overly emotional about the situation even though I still feel like he was wrong. But yet and still, I was able to maintain that relationship, but not only that, him listening to me in this matter of fact what has changed well, which is what I would have wanted in the first but I didn't just throw the relationship away. But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. And and so so one thing that that's cool about that too is that, like, we all say we wanna be at peace. You know, we wanna we wanna live life, have fun, all this other stuff, which is funny. People rest they they say rest in peace when somebody's dead. When they're alive, they don't say any of that.
JClay:It's crazy.
Troy Washington:For real time.
JClay:But peace, baby. Yeah. Appreciate you. Rest in peace as well. Like, we we we had peace.
JClay:And what was I gonna say about that? So yeah. So so people say they wanna be at peace, but then they let certain things excite them. Like, it's a it's a trigger almost. You know, it's a trigger.
JClay:It's a response, but you don't realize that it's a program response that you can actually change a response. Like, you don't have to react to everything. It's just you're getting what you said you enjoy. So so example, like, if if I say, you know what? I ain't gonna react to nothing else ever again.
JClay:I'm a be good. I'm a be peaceful no matter what. That's easy to do when you're in peaceful situations. But as soon as someone comes to you, what you judge as as maybe bad or harmful or or whatever, however you judge, whatever however you judge, you're ready to fight and break that piece. So it's not them that's breaking the piece.
JClay:It's you that you are that are breaking the piece. And every time you give into it, you are saying, man, I I I enjoy this more. I I only enjoy peace for a time, but then I'm ready for the chaos again. And so we gotta start changing that. We gotta start recognizing the cues so that when this happens, they're just they're just showing us what we said we enjoy by our attention anyway.
JClay:They're not doing anything wrong, but once we recognize that, we will see the change in them too.
Troy Washington:You know, and then the the question that comes to my mind as we're talking this through is, what does peace really look like to you? And I'm not talking to you. I'm just talking about anybody just in general. Like, if we're using peace and then a toxic cycle because we're not talking about toxic people though toxic people can fall into this. But when you talk about, you know, a toxic cycle, recognizing what peace really looks like to you is really important.
Troy Washington:And you know, I use this as an example not to talk down on social media or any social media platform but just to talk about toxic cycles for myself. Yeah. And I literally have told you, Jay, that it have been nights where I would be on, let's say, TikTok hypothetically, right? It could be TikTok, it could be YouTube, it could be Instagram, it could be any of the ones, it could be YouTube. Shorts.
Troy Washington:And I would literally say, okay, I'm looking at one more video. That's it. And then I'm done. And I swipe and then whatever that video is is so compelling to me that I just have to swipe for the next one and I have to be like, okay, well, whenever it's something that I don't want to watch, then I'll stop. And again, the reason why I bring this specifically up is because I'm talking about a toxic cycle here and me not recognizing what my peace, well, me knowing what my peace really look like but me not effectively making that the the main thing and so, you know, there's nothing wrong with looking at social media videos if that's what you want to do but I knew in those moments that my peace lied in a a breaking my a piece of me away from that.
Troy Washington:And I wasn't able to do that because I didn't make that the permanent part of my life that I wanted to sit up in the forefront. But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. What's funny about, like, toxic people as they say, is the person calling the other one toxic is the one exhibiting the behaviors they're saying of the other. So so I'm I'm a I'm a share something real quick. So there there was a 2016 article on psychology today, and it listed the eight things that most toxic people do or or that they have in common with each other. And one of them are they are not caring, supportive, or interested in what's important to you.
JClay:They take no responsibility for their own feelings. They make you prove yourself to them. They make you defend yourself. Toxic people are manipulative. They are inconsistent.
JClay:They don't apologize. They are judgmental. So every time they're saying that about the person, that person can say the same thing about them in that moment. It's like, well, you're not Right. Considering my feelings because you're calling me toxic by how I feel.
JClay:You're you're being judgmental by judging me. And and we don't realize we are the facilitator of the toxicity. And and not not only that, like, if a person truly could be toxic to somebody else, that means someone could truly be the cure to someone else. And so why not take that stance? Why not say I don't care about your toxicity toxicity?
JClay:I'm just gonna be the cure. So I'm I'm curing to you and me and myself. But go ahead.
Troy Washington:And and a funny thing is and and and it it's this is again a crazy dichotomy, I guess I'd say, in it all. Because what we do is whenever you have the opportunity to be the the opposite which you stated, we don't feel like we actually have the power to change that. We see the toxicity that we're seeing is a permanent thing. Like, I can't change this person but again, not realizing that you're reflecting yourself saying that I don't have a change who I am. I can't I can't do this stuff and it's it's it's it's it's funny that we remove that power and don't see that that we actually can place an imprint on on ourselves that changes the people that are around us.
Troy Washington:But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. It it's funny you say that. I I've had two people in this week. It's crazy now that I think about it. It's like two different people that, you know, they were angry at somebody else.
JClay:And I I was, you know, sharing why you should forgive and just just forgive. And it was like, you're right, but I'm a do it after I get my revenge. What? Like and so, like, it's a it's a never ending cycle. Like, you're not ready to give up.
JClay:Oh, man. Oh, no. What'd you say?
Troy Washington:No. No. No. Go ahead.
JClay:Yeah. Yeah. Like like, you're not ready to give up that that non peace. That that's the only way I can call it. You you you're not ready to give up that non love in favor of love.
JClay:You want to maintain this for as long as you can and then say, okay. Once once I'm done, then I can be peace until that person or somebody else does something again. And it's like you're not being who you say you wanna be or you're not you're not taking advantages of the opportunities that are brought to you to allow you to be who you wanna be.
Troy Washington:You know, again, it's it's funny because again, you you literally hit the the nail on the hill with the toxicity part of it and it's funny. It's like me saying that I'm not going to go drink any water until my wife grows just a little bit taller. Like, I I I can't do it because I'm going to limit, like, I don't, I don't want to change my life until that thing changes. And again, that's just a, that's just a, a releasing of your true power because the reality of it is I have the opportunity to go get water whether anything changes. I also have the opportunity to go and apologize or forgive or move beyond it and again, I I really wrote this in my book, fam, and I tell a story about a guy that I went to high school with and why this guy didn't like me?
Troy Washington:I I always speculate why he didn't like me, right? But I he wanted to fight me. Right? In two years, so when we got to my ten year reunion, I still kinda held that like, if you don't mess with me, I don't mess with you. So I saw him.
Troy Washington:I, you know, at first, I thought, man, I'm gonna give him some love but now, like, man, forget this dude. I I requested him on Facebook. He nearly stepped my invite. Be at him. He like, so again, I'm steady building up this case for my toxicity versus his.
Troy Washington:I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know if he's seen it. If I don't know if he saw the M. I don't know anything, right? Same thing whenever I see him at the reunions.
Troy Washington:I don't talk to him. Now, in these personal encounters where we're in front of each other, the the the the visual that we give each other, it indicates he feels the same but it's still me showing my side of it. Well, I'm not going talk. If he ain't going talk, I'm not going to talk. And funny enough, twenty five years later, at my reunion this year, I tell myself, you know what?
Troy Washington:Bump what he think. I'm just going go up and give him some dap anyway and the most amazing thing happens when I go up to him, he's like, what's up, man? Boom, boom, boom. And now, it's like, twenty five years have just gone by and there was toxicity and it may have been with him but I don't know. I know for sure it was me with me.
Troy Washington:And then this night only gets better because now he brings me into every conversation that he's having. You know, and it it just goes to show you you just never know but go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. The the the powerful thing about that that people don't realize is, like, when you're when you're holding a negative judgment or resentment for someone or animosity or something, it's like you're putting up a barrier. And you think it's a barrier between you and that person, but it's like it is from your joy, from your love. So, like, for instance, the other gatherings that you went to that he was at, you weren't fully yourself because you were like, I gotta I gotta be ready at any moment. I gotta I gotta have this ready.
JClay:Like, if he come at me a certain way, I just I just gotta be ready. So you're you're not fully free. You're you're in chain. You're you're in captivity, so to speak. And the more boundaries you pull up, the more blocks to love you have.
JClay:Like, you you like, man, how come I can't just be happy? How come things can be free? It's because you you've boxed yourself in in this small little container by being offended or you know, like offense or or, like, offensive or defensive. Like, you're like, we gotta I gotta put on my guard because I don't wanna get hurt, but you're being hurt by putting up your guard. And it's important that, again, we recognize these cycles and patterns so that we
Troy Washington:can start to address them and then do something about it. And again, I I I want to say this. A lot of times we put these blocks up based off of a moment in time. And and again, I don't mean like one second. When I say a moment using my scenario as the example, there was a period of time.
Troy Washington:It could have been a month or two months and that's what I mean by moment in the time. But just to imagine somewhere in my psyche, I say that any given moment of time can define any person for the rest of their life. Giving myself that same ownership for myself. Knowing that I shown or exhibited that through moments of time I've been different. And I think that's kind of where we put these things or where these things lie.
Troy Washington:And again it's just not about people. It's about toxic cycles because if I just really remove him from the equation there was a toxic cycle that happened with me for twenty five years even though me and him were not engaged and so, you know, it just, it shows you that that moment of time shaped my life or those moments of time shaped our lives and it could be for the smallest things. It it could be, again, I spent a whole period of my life where I didn't eat guacamole or or Pico and I know you might not see the the the symmetry or how they are alike. But the reality of it is I love guacamole and pico. And because I tasted it one time.
Troy Washington:Somebody may have made it bad. For twenty years of my life I didn't partake in it. And so the moment when I started to eat it again, I was like, dang, I can't believe I missed all of this. Or I could look at the situation with him. Man, I wonder what that relationship could have been like.
Troy Washington:Or I look about, look at all the things that I maybe didn't try because of something that I saw and think, man, think about the opportunities that I didn't get to take hold of because of a moment in my life and that's a toxic cycle. But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. And so, like, let's talk about how how to recognize these patterns, you know, that we've normalized without even knowing it. It's like, how how do we get here? And so, the the book that I always talk about, we always talk about on here is a course of miracles. Great book.
JClay:One of the things it talks about is that love is all there is. So if someone is not showing love, it's simply a cry for love, which I've I've seen firsthand. Even when I dove dove deep into myself, I I found that in those instances. So it's like, maybe someone feels bad for some reason. Maybe they feel guilt towards something.
JClay:They did something to somebody. They feel guilty about it or somebody called them something and they're they're angry at it, and they hold it. It it just kinda festers. And so they hold it for so long that they wanna get rid of it. They're like, man, I'm not I can't take this no more.
JClay:So they seek to blame someone else. They create an image of a character or an avatar to project this onto. That was their feeling. So then anybody who meets the standards of that, they instantly plant them that on them. Like, man, I don't like these kind of people at all.
JClay:These people are just this and that, not realizing this person is a mirror to the part of themselves that they don't wanna acknowledge. And so they they go again putting up those walls, putting up those fences, blocking themselves in so that only people can meet them there. Like and and it gets added on more and more, and it it becomes who you think you are at this point because that's all you know. You've known animosity toward these people. You start to believe in your own judgments, that your own judgments of this other person is true without even knowing their story, without even being around them to know their intentions, to know their purpose, and you you become someone who you're not.
JClay:And so how to recognize this is look at all the things that you dislike about another and see if they are embedded in you. Go ahead.
Troy Washington:No. I I mean, I I love that. And, again, the self recognizing part of it is looking at patterns. Just just understanding what you're missing too. You know what I mean?
Troy Washington:And and I I just want to bring myself to the carpet here because I I just think that, you know, to Clay's point, if you can recognize it, then, there's the opportunity for the change. Like, there's a, there's the, the moments where you can start to say, okay, well, I know I I see all the stuff that I see in them. Let me see if I can see it because you you're going to be in denial at first. You're not going to want to claim that you're this thing that you're saying that you don't like but I think that it when you're when you're doing that and you're being honest there's love that you get immediately on the other side of the other side of that. Because you there's a there's a thought at least this is why the way that I see it.
Troy Washington:There's a thought that if I am in agreeance with that that I say that I don't have, then I'm going to be miserable. But that's not the truth of the matter. The truth of the matter is, once you recognize it and you you you see like, dang, like, there's a sense of relief like, man, I can't believe this is what I've been exhibiting within myself but then the love becomes because you realize how easy of a switch it is to change it. You realize how easy it is to walk in a different direction But not only that, you instantly release that that you have for those other people. You instantly can see where you've shaped something that wasn't even something that was real.
Troy Washington:But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. And and oftentimes, like, those people are are doing us a service. So what I mean, like, if somebody says something to you in the moment and you get triggered by it, you you're you're angry all of a sudden or you just you you you felt off about what they said. They just exposed some kind of limited belief. And so, like, whenever I get triggered now, like, it is it's far removed, but I welcome it because I I wanna get rid of any limiting beliefs.
JClay:It's like, man, why did why did this really make me mad? Like, truly, why why am I mad by this? In most cases, it's either because for for me, it's either because it's something about myself that I thought I hid, but they exposed me on it. So it's like, man, it's not as hidden as I thought it was, and I'm I'm really mad at myself. I'm not mad at them, but but I, of course, I place it on them.
JClay:Like, how dare you say that blah blah blah. Or the other is what's the other reason that I'm I'm I find myself mad? I I I can't remember right now, but it's it's too many reasons. I know it's gonna come to me. But but, again, it it has to do with me.
JClay:It has nothing to do with them, and they pointed it out. Like, had they not said what they said, brought up what they did, I would have never known this. I would have gone through life just being angry when when stuff like this happens, but I'm really being angry at myself. And and once I know, I'm like, you know what? This is not even a bad thing.
JClay:I I'm I'm fine with that. So what if this is exposed or so if they see me? This is part of who I am or blah blah blah. But, yeah, go ahead.
Troy Washington:So so two things about that. Like, again, I just love the fact of you looking at somebody then looking back at yourself because that's that's that's just everything, bro. But like the the thing that you have to ask yourself is, somebody that shows you toxic toxicity or something that shows you toxicity, you have to ask yourself, why did they show me? And the reason why I'm saying that is because we generally only express things that we're comfortable in expressing with people that's relatable to us. And so, like, you know, just like when you're growing up, whether you're a a woman or a man, right?
Troy Washington:When you're, when you're dating somebody or when not, but not when you're dating, but when you're getting ready to date somebody, you can like somebody for a long time, but you will never say anything because you're looking for a signal. You're looking for them to show that, hey, we're on the same page. And the moment you feel that way, then you will go, hey, hey, let this, you know, what's up, girl? You know, same thing when it comes to moving relationships to the next phase. Like, you only give what you think people are ready for.
Troy Washington:And that same thing happens vice versa. So, somebody comes to you and they're showing you a side of themselves. The only reason they're showing that is because they sensed it or they feel the same thing about you that they feel like they can share those things But the other thing that I want to touch on is that the triggering happen ways. Reason why I say that is because again, just sharing my story, there was a time where my friend, they were my friends because they wanted to be my friends, right? But I was their friend because of something that I thought in my own head.
Troy Washington:I remember and again, and this is where the triggering comes in. I remember being somewhere and somebody into it. And I was the friend that came like, let's go. Let's get this motherfucker.
JClay:You froze on me.
Troy Washington:And again, they they did what a good friend is supposed to do. Man, I appreciate you had my back. Oh, my bad. My bad. My bad.
Troy Washington:And if I froze on anybody, I'm just kinda go back. What was the last thing you heard though, Jay?
JClay:If I froze or go ahead. Go ahead.
Troy Washington:Okay. So, it's okay. So, I'm just saying that triggering happens both ways and me telling the story about with my friends how one time, circumstances happened and I showed up and I was ready to go for it, right? Let's get let's get this thing, right? And so, after the fact, they came and glorified me rightfully so because anytime you stand up for your friends, your friends are going to be happy about it but for me, it was more like, oh, so they know.
Troy Washington:I'm about that life. Let's go. So, what ends up happening is the triggering, the toxic cycle that I get in is anytime friends, I have to make sure that I'm the head buster. I'm coming. I'm down for whatever.
Troy Washington:I gotta do it. And I can I live a whole life like that thinking that my friends are only my friends because they know I'm that one that's going to come, right? And the again, that's a toxic cycle we get in because we let the triggering affect us in another way. Now, I'm not judging them. I'm judging myself openly and saying that this is the only way that I could be.
Troy Washington:But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. Right. And then, like, by by doing that, like, you hold yourself in that prison too to to be like, yeah. I'm real. I'm I'm true to this idea that I said when I was younger and before I had as much wisdom as I had now, but I claim to be wise now, but I'm still doing the same stuff that I did before because I gotta I gotta be real.
JClay:I gotta be authentic. And to be real with yourself is to be real enough to say, oh, no. I was I don't wanna be that right now. I want to I want to be more. I want to expand more.
JClay:And I I I think that's awesome that you that you recognize that about yourself. And I and I also remember the other thing too, which is related to what I said at first, but it's if if it's a belief that maybe I'm fearful of, like, that I that I've given some kind of power over to, but I haven't quite overcome it yet. And somebody says something with in reference to me yet, and it's almost like, no. No. I don't.
JClay:No. That's not me. I haven't done that, or I don't do that or something like that. And then, like, that's I I'm I'm triggered by it. I'm I'm ready to to lash out and defend myself.
JClay:Like, whenever you feel the need to defend yourself, you know that you've been triggered in some way. But, again, it's not them. They're just they're just the revealer. They're just pulling back the layers that you need to look at. And once you do, you realize again, it's it's not a scary thing.
JClay:It's not as bad as you made it to be, and you don't have to live according to that anymore.
Troy Washington:So, funny enough, I'm fixing to from breakup your your your mom and your sister and it's a it's a funny thing because again, all of this is about the triggers for myself in the way that it made me move on either with realization or without realization, right? Yeah. And so, funny enough, when we were growing up, you and I and I say growing up because now we we up there. I'm about to be 44 tomorrow, baby. But one day, I remember and and and there was no malicious intent behind any of this.
Troy Washington:This is just the the reality of it is, bro, what I'm showing people, the way that I'm moving, right? And your mom and your sister is like, oh yeah, Troy, I know he just having fun. He out there just macking and macking and macking and macking, right? And now, funny enough, it's not just them. At the same time, Brandon, which was a member of our group, is all the time calling me heartthrob.
Troy Washington:And so, like, he like, man, look, if we need them pop off, let Troy do it. Now, funny enough, it's not like I was really out here just going wow, right? But there is a demeanor that I was walking with, right? There is a an aura that I'm kind of toting with me, a part of my demeanor for music, right? Words that I'm saying and what I realized was it wasn't their fault either Brandon or your mom and your sister for thinking that way of me.
Troy Washington:Because I don't know what they listen to. I don't know what moment they've had. And I had to make myself understand that these are all based off of moments. But I don't want my life to be based off of a moment. I want my life to be a thing.
Troy Washington:I want it to be holistic and so, that's part of the thing, one of the things that helped me change my walk holistically. So, when people, when I was presented, whether it be in music, whether it be around people that they could see what I wanted them to see. And that was me also not judging their thought because I understood that they can only give me back what I had given them. But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. I I love that and I I was thinking back to like certain times people have said things about me that I was like, what, you know, what what would make them think that? Like, even though I I know it I don't wanna say I know it's not true, but, like, for example, this sounds like a compliment, but I remember in high school, some some people like, oh, here come preacher man. I'm like, preacher man. Don't even go to church.
JClay:Like, what are you talking about? Preacher man. And it it was just like like, how did you even get something like that? Look at me now.
Troy Washington:But the What the talking Yeah.
JClay:That's that's crazy. But it it it's it's funny, though, like, how we're putting out stuff but might not even be realizing it. And I I I think it's a good thing that you didn't react negative to to it because a lot of times people react negatively to to what your reflection of them shows them. And it's like, you know, we we hear it all the time. Like, man, I can't believe they they they must got me messed up.
JClay:They think I'm somebody else. They think I'm this. I'm that. I'm and that. But then you end up proving your point by trying to defend against it.
JClay:You end up proving their point instead of doing your case justice. But if you really look at yourself like, okay. I am doing this. I am moving like this. Now do I wanna move like this?
JClay:I do. So it's alright. Or if you don't, then you can make that change because you're aware of it now.
Troy Washington:And and that's why I would challenge anybody to hear what people say about you or remember experiences that you've gone through but don't let it matter. And the reason why I say people and experiences because again, me sharing my thoughts on guacamole and Pico as simple as it may be, it allows well, I hope it's showing you that you can miss a lot of opportunities in life based off of these moments or like you said, with the example for me and Rilo and your mom and your sister, that didn't mean anything negative about me. Only if I allowed it to, right? Because there are times in my life where I felt like I was macking and macking and macking and I was a heartthrob. And not only that, there was still a sense of even with Rilo, right?
Troy Washington:When he used to say that to me, used to aggravate me but I also used to think to myself but I am a heartthrob though. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. It was it was it was like a battle within myself to to decide what or where what I wanted to present. And so I I would always tell him I was aggravated but I would never really go off the deep end because I knew in my heart that hey this is how I'm feeling about myself.
Troy Washington:And so he has to be seeing it some kind of way. But go ahead.
JClay:Like, he he revealed to you what you thought you hid from the world. Yeah. And, like, and and all that is is just showing up a mirror and then, like, we we get mad when they put a mirror to us. Like, look look at yourself. Like, oh, man.
JClay:No.
Troy Washington:Yep. Yep. And and two, you know, the other part to it, like, when, again, when I'm talking about things, like, we allow myself to miss so many marks, man. Like, just off of experience alone and so one thing and again, I know we're not at this part of the show but just to show you the lengths that I've gone to rid myself of this these toxic cycles or these toxic behaviors is, like I would give myself little rules. Whenever I go to the restaurant this time, I'm just trying something that I never had before or I'm going to eat something that I said that I didn't like and that's the the big kick that I've been on for the past couple years.
Troy Washington:Something that I said I never liked before, Imma eat it again and I'm going to give it another chance because I've made a judgment on something that may not even be real. But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. And that's real like, if if we can just stop judging, life is that much more fun. And I I can attest to it. Like, just just think about when when you were a kid. Like, you didn't care what other kids did.
JClay:Like, you like, I I remember I had a friend that ate dirt. I mean, I had friends that just did all kind of stuff that I wouldn't do, but it's like, hey. Wanna play? Can can so and so come out and play? Like, you just you just made friends no matter what.
JClay:You didn't care anything about them. I I remember some conversations I had with kids where they would just say some off the wall stuff. It's like, okay. Let's keep playing. Like, it it had nothing to do with that.
JClay:And then when you look at the TV shows that people love, like, where it's a group of friends together, it's because even though they all do stuff that the others don't agree with, they accept it. They're like, oh, that's just so and so. Oh, that's just so and so because they're they're not judgmental. They're accepting. And at the sooner that we follow that, we we look up.
JClay:It is nothing but great relationships all around us because we're not judging our our friends or our loved ones. Why why would we judge against them? Which is which is crazy.
Troy Washington:So so look, man. So here's the crazy thing. And this is this is not just me, this is everybody. The question that I would ask you is, what moments are you letting dictate your life? Because we're all, whether it's a positive or a negative end, we're all allowing moments of our life to dictate everything else.
Troy Washington:And so the challenge here is identifying what's making you think or move the way that you're thinking or moving. And if it's in not in the way that you feel like it should be, are you up for the challenge to see differently? And it it's just it's it's it's one of those things that again, I I live by. I try to I try to put as a highlight and recognize every time it's in front of me. But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Man, what was powerful about that is like, there are there are a number of people that are maybe accolade based or authority based? Like, what credentials do you have? Like, why are you an authority on this? And I'm kind of the opposite. I'm like, man, can you do this?
JClay:You know, do you feel confident about this now? Come on. Let's let's let's make this happen. But I I say that because to to your question, what moments are you letting dictate your life? These accomplishments are dictating people's lives.
JClay:And so it's like, I only have the credibility to say this because I have I have this credential, and they believe in credibility. So then when they go to a new space, they feel disempowered because they don't have the credentials for it because they're letting this moment or this accolade dictate their life. But not only that, like, a lot of people are letting a a what do you call it? You know, like, your job, your profession, which is just a word that you choose. Like, your I you're you're letting your identity be this thing that you do, or you're you're letting your identity be this thing that happened this one time out of how many years you're living.
JClay:At this one day out of all the days you live, you're letting that be the mandate of your personality, how you interact with the world. And it's like, are those moments worth that? And if not, you gotta let them go.
Troy Washington:So this is what's funny about this moment, bro. In these moments, they dictate your life. And, you know, on the surface of it, like what we're talking about, we allow these moments to essentially shape all of our steps along the way. But the other part to it is that we give these moments more evidence. Like we start to build a case on every moment that we're deciding to let dictate our life.
Troy Washington:We build a case so that way it can stand firm. And just kind of give you an example. Again, I my my late grandmother before she passed away, I loved this lady with everything because she, my mama had me. She when she was young. So, she kind of took the ropes and and you know, raised me for a lot of my life.
Troy Washington:So, my granny, when I had kids, we had one of the biggest arguments that we had ever and again, I argue with her a lot just because you grow up with people, you get a kid, you going to argue, you just do stuff, right? But this is as an adult and the reason why I argued with her was because she babysitted my kid one day. And she told me this is before TJ had turned one years old. And she's like I'm a give him she said y'all need to start giving this boy water. Now you know through technology and time doctors have come up with it doesn't mean that you know you can't have water but they give you updated information on how to move.
Troy Washington:Kids shouldn't drink water until they turn one year old, right? But to that point, there's water in the milk that you give them, right? You give them the powder. It's water based, right? And so, she goes down this rabbit hole like, you need to get them water.
Troy Washington:These doctors don't know what they talking about and the case that she has, which is a valid case that she's built up through years is, well, look at you, Troy. I gave you water. Look at what you're doing. You help, you like, and and the thing is, one of these things where that's how we build our cases up. Now, I'm I looked at my case grow.
Troy Washington:I've seen how it's affected my life. Not but the thing is, I haven't looked at how it has had an adverse effect. I'm only looking at everything that I've seen that I've built up to be this magnificent taste and it was my grandmother as an example. That's how we are. Like, even with me and guacamole, every time I see guacamole, every time I seen guacamole at the time when I went and eating it, I can look or look how green that is or look how it turned brown and so now, I'm just building this case over time to tell me, oh, I don't want it to turn brown in my stomach but everything turn brown in your stomach, right?
Troy Washington:But it's just you you make it Mount Everest and now, you have your reason but go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. I love that because, yeah, like, I I call it witnesses to our judgments. Like, we we we build this case, and then we serve it as as if it's proof. Like, man, you gotta you gotta listen to me. Like, y'all both saying the the y'all both are exhibiting the same behaviors, but for each of your causes.
JClay:And the I this is not necessarily a dangerous habit, but the danger in it is when people do it to their own detriment. Like, when they when they show evidence of a case of something they don't want. And the reason I say this is because we are creators by nature. So that which we give power to this that which we show evidence for is gonna be more prominent in our lives. And oftentimes, we build cases for things that that we don't like.
JClay:But we for whatever reason, we're convinced on it. And so it's like, okay. I gotta move my life this way. I'm not ready to fully move my life this way, so I'm a tell everybody about it. You gotta do this.
JClay:You gotta do this. If you don't do this, look. It says it here. We we have to do this, but you might not even be doing it yourself yet. Because if you did, you wouldn't care if nobody else was doing it or not.
JClay:But you are you are building a case for what you don't want, and then you wonder why you you can't live up to it because you don't want it. Like, why no way you're gonna live up to standards of what you don't want. Like, that's the hardest thing to do that we force ourselves to do it, and we look down on people who don't. You gotta sacrifice. You gotta do all this this other stuff, and they they're being so angry when they say it when it's like, is is is it worth it to be if you're be that angry for it?
JClay:But yeah. Go ahead.
Troy Washington:Yo. Bro, the prime example, like, you hit that mug. The prime example is, again, me building the case of being the rah rah guy for my group, for my guys, right? And the funny part about it is looking, it's two things. Looking down on people that are not as rah rah as me.
Troy Washington:So, I could easily be like, oh, you ain't real. You ain't about you. You ain't like, we boys. You know, that's a feeling that you can have whether you're saying it or not. But not only that, I knew at some point, I don't want to be fighting everybody, fam.
Troy Washington:I don't want to be into it with people I don't also want to be the first person people call whenever something finna go down. Like, I had an a vision of myself not making it, right? Just randomly and it made me realize, is this what I want? I know this is probably not going to happen but is this what I want? Well, if it's not what I want, you have to start to be who you want to be and for myself, the the beautiful part about it and I think everybody will experience this.
Troy Washington:The first time you get the call and somebody's talking about what you don't want to talk about or you you having to eat something that you know you don't want to eat just to try to make other people happy or look a certain way. The moment when you decide that you're going to be who you want to be and those people that you you've decided or those things that you've decided are going to disappear because you're changed when they stay. And then you realize that dang. Who I am was good enough is everything. There's nothing better than that.
Troy Washington:But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. I love that. And and, also, like, when you decide to change and those people around you, like, your loved ones who take offense to it, is not about you. It's like and and from their point of view, like, this is my world. Like, in in their how dare they they they're challenging my own belief systems, and I think I'm my belief systems.
JClay:So since I think I'm I'm my belief systems, but they're challenging it and taking it away, will I crumble with my belief systems? Of course, you won't. But we we think that way. I've thought that way before. And I I've taken offense when people like like, what you mean you're do that now?
JClay:Like, we we supposed to be in this together. This is what we do. But I'm it it it was more me being fearful, but not necessarily taking offense to them. Luckily, they didn't take offense to me taking offense to that. And luckily, I didn't, you know, take offense when people did it to me or whatever.
JClay:It's it's just it's their own fear that they're going through. And like you said, you realize when these people stay in it in your life, like, has nothing to do with not even necessarily your actions. It's just who you are. This is just this is just you.
Troy Washington:Now and and, again, to that point, of course, I was accepted by all my friends because the rah rah in them needed somewhere to to to coexhibit, coexist as well. But here's the funny thing, and this is the part again, like I said, once you, once you decide to change and you realize nothing from the standpoint of what you were feeling like you were going to be missing changes, then, everybody around you starts to show you what you're currently showing them and what I mean by that is, from the moment I put on the Perfect Moe shirt, from the moment I started making that be the primary directive, everybody around me was lockstep. Even my wife, even if she didn't agree with it at first. Like, even my friends, even if they didn't see what I was seeing, the way that they talked to me, the way that they were around me shifted. The things that they looked to me for shifted.
Troy Washington:The things that they shared back to me shifted. And it was all because they were not dictating who I was based off of any moment. They weren't saying that this is a simplistic thing. They were only in agreeance with me being simplistic when I thought that I was simplistic. But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. I I love that because I mean, everyone can just show us a mirror of what we are. Like, even like, I I've noticed that too where things people shift, but it's not that they're shifting. It it's just the reflection is changing. I I remember the best example I heard from Bashar is, like, what a lot of people try to do is look in the mirror and try to get the reflection to smile, but it's like, no.
JClay:You have to smile first. So so much so that, like, I I've I've thought about this in terms of opposites because, you know, like attracts like, and, you know, you have the masculine and feminine. Like, for most cases, they're attracted to each other. And it's like, well, what do you mean? I thought like attracts like.
JClay:Isn't that the opposite? Not quite because, like, if if a man was was all the way, like, just hard, they they would like other men. But, like, you've seen the the strongest of men show a feminine side toward their lady. Like, it's like that that mirror is that permission slip to be this. And and the same thing for them.
JClay:It's their permission slip to experience the masculine side of themselves that they might not know is there even though it's in you. Like, it it's it's a it's interesting dichotomy when you really dive deep into it, but everything literally is our mirror.
Troy Washington:You know, funny, raising kids, bro, you get to see this all the time. Like, if you've ever had to discipline a kid, a kid that's not at the point to listen to you yet. So what I mean is they're giving you the pushback. Like, uh-uh. Whatever.
Troy Washington:Right? And then when you really hunker down and you get to them, now you're elevated. But when they come down and you're still elevated, you can see the shift and you quick too because you can see that now the thing that they were, they're not anymore. Right? And so you it's something that, again, as a parent, you with time.
Troy Washington:It's been plenty of times where I was like, Brody or TJ, come on, man. What you talking about? And then they say something like, well, dad, I just didn't know. Like, now, first, they will argue with me, and then they be like, but but, dad, I I just didn't know. And in that moment, it's like, bam, bam, bam.
Troy Washington:And it it it it real makes you it brings you back to who they are. And bring to who we are. And if you're if people are coming to who you are, I I went out dinner. I said, we bring people to who we are. And if they're not transforming to who you think that they should transform to, then you're not being who you think that you're trying to be.
Troy Washington:But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. So I I I had a a moment of clarity when you were speaking. And, you know, I was talking about how, you know, we we've seen the shift in people or the shift in the in the reflection. So earlier this month and even last month, I kinda shifted. Like, I I've been I've been going hard based on, you know, my standards.
JClay:Like, I'm I'm really stepping into who I wanna be. But then for, like, the past couple of weeks, it's like everything changed. It's like everything around me is just different. Like, man, this is what's going on. Like, I'm I'm I'm I'm holding this, but I realized because I'm changing that that mirror is changing and it's making room for more.
JClay:Like, if I say I want more, I can't hold on to the the same way of being or the same way that things are that it it might that is gonna change. And if I judge against that, I'm doing myself a disservice. But if I'm trusting that, I'm accepting like, you know what? This is part of the process. This is the the shifting of my reality toward something that I desire, toward the the vibration that I'm holding now.
JClay:It keeps me there and allows it to happen.
Troy Washington:No. No. I I I love that, bro. And again, you know, if I if we're talking about well, what I what I will say is, that's a indication of you looking at yourself and evaluating what's really going on. Which again we don't tend to do because life is so constant.
Troy Washington:It's it's always happening. And sometimes we get caught up and I don't have time to think about what what was. I need to only think about what is. Which again I I get it. I I get it.
Troy Washington:But sometimes what was allows you to see the truth, right? Allows you to see what you're presenting. And it allows you to take what's happening right now and make that shift. And so I I just love that man. Like you being able to look and see the way that you're affecting you.
Troy Washington:Because that's what it always is. But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. And and it's funny too. Like, you know, how, like, you hear about instant manifestation and and just things. And a lot of times, we don't always believe it. We we believe it, but we don't really believe it because when it comes to us, like, how come we can't be here now?
JClay:Well, yesterday, I just experienced a rip or how do I say this? That it is possible. Like, I I, like, I know for sure that it is possible. I was just walking in, like I do in my neighborhood, and I'm a very observing person. I'm always looking at nature.
JClay:I'm just looking at stuff. I and and I was in, like, the middle of a corner bend, I guess. Like like, you could see only the certain part and you can see back there. I literally looked down at my phone for two seconds. I looked up.
JClay:It was a boy on a scooter right next to
Troy Washington:me.
JClay:Like, there there's no way that he I I wouldn't have seen him or heard him. I didn't even have my headphones on because I was just enjoying nature. And so I was like, man, that's crazy. I was like, watch. I'm a turn around.
JClay:He's not gonna be there. I turned around. He was not there. Like No. And and and and I'm I'm not saying that the of course, it could be a coincidence.
JClay:Of course, you know, all this stuff. But to me, that was clear that was confirmation that these instant manifestations can happen. You are on the right path. Keep doing what you're doing.
Troy Washington:So I'm gonna give a shout out real quick. But, again, just to kind of, again, show that you can change the dynamic of the people around you if you decide to be you, if you decide to break toxic cycles, if you decide to build relationships that last, but that's all based off of the relationship you have with yourself. But you know, I just wrote a book. It is it's not out yet. It'll be coming out soon and again, this is not anything that I ever talk to anybody about except for you or maybe my wife, right?
Troy Washington:Yeah. But because I've done it, there's a shift in me, right? So, my entire being is going, okay, books, books, books, books, books, right? And the funny thing is, I've been around people that I haven't been around in a long time, don't know what they got going on, but I kind of mentioned it to him, hey, I'm writing a book on how to write books, right? You know, just telling everybody.
Troy Washington:And the craziest thing is, with all of these people, I've had millions of conversations with, none of them ever told me that they wanna write a book. None of them, right? But funny enough, in this past week, I've had at least seven to eight, seven to eight people all tell me they want to write a book. Teachers, principals, family members, cousins, just all kind of friends. Everybody's telling me this and it and my mind is like, well, why did I never see this?
Troy Washington:Because I was never looking at it in myself and that's the point that I wanted to make to even, you know, even the shameless plug about the book is just to show you that we are very complex. We are and we can't hold people to to moments or to to to things that have happened unless you're willing to hold yourself to that and you know and we know that we don't want to hold ourselves to anything that we look at below the the the the realm of who we think we are And so what you have to do is recognize it and then start to exhibit exactly what it is that you want to exhibit. And it will show itself back to you a hundred time fold. Go ahead, Jay.
JClay:I love that. And and it's true. Like like you said, like, so much so that you really can't believe. Like like, what do you mean you wanted to do this? We've never talked about this.
JClay:Right. We've never had to, like, where am I right now? This this can't be real world life right now. Like, this is this is different, but it happens all the time. Every time we make that change, every time we make that switch to something else, there are hundred people that are that are there with us.
JClay:Not only that, like, I I'm sure you you've seen things of, like, people that do what we would call heinous things, but they're together. It's like, how did you meet? When? How did you even meet? And how did you even get comfortable enough to know that y'all would do that together?
JClay:Like, that's so crazy. But Right. That that that magnet, like, who you are is reflected, and it and it it draws people near you that are like it, and it pushes others away who are not.
Troy Washington:And and funny enough, so number one, when you said that I thought about people that rob banks like, they, yeah, I wanted to rob a bank. Like, really? But to that point, bro, like, just to kinda let you know, like, I substitute at school. And I'm just going to tell you two of the people that I I talked to. I was sitting in my son's class on field day.
Troy Washington:And I was talking to his teacher just having random conversation. And I just decided hey let me mention hey I I got a book that's probably going be coming out. And she was like man look. She pulled up her laptop and she said I've been trying to write these books for the longest and I don't know what to do and they were just like and then, I was outside talking to the principal on the same field day, mentioned the same thing and she said, dude, I can show you the transcript. I just don't know what to do with them and it was just like, what in the world?
Troy Washington:Like, what what are the odds of that? But the odds are high because the reality of it is, we are that dynamic. We are that complex. We all have so much in us. It's not just you.
Troy Washington:And so if we have all that in us, that means the stuff that we've deemed to be bad or toxic or all the things that we've deemed to be good. We all hold on to those moments, but you get to decide in any given moment. Go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Man, it it it but from the other side too, it shows how supported we are. Like, she was probably like, god. How do I get my book done? Oh, here you come just that same day probably. Yeah.
JClay:Hey. This is this is how you do it. Only that, another synchronicity, real quick. Like, we we have a cleaning lady that comes, like, every two to three weeks. And I was talking to her this week because she was sharing with me like a testimony of like her her mom that that healed miraculously and she was like, yeah, I I do positive content online and stuff.
JClay:I was like, you know who you're talking to right now? Like and and she couldn't believe it. And and it it just goes to show, like, all this time, you you don't know. Like and and so those who are around you are more like you than not like you that you might not even realize.
Troy Washington:Yep. It's the way that is that's the way that you set it up. And that's I wanna make sure it's the way that you've set it up. So I know we're the end, bro. I just want man, good show, bro.
Troy Washington:I I wanna tell you right now to your face. I wanna tell everybody I'm grateful for y'all being here because again, without y'all, we wouldn't be here. We'd be doing something and it'll be positive but it probably wouldn't be this but we're grateful if you, you know, if you like and think that this show help is helpful to you or someone else, please like, share, subscribe. We got a YouTube. We got a Instagram.
Troy Washington:We got shirts. Holler Anderson. We got books coming. And, Jay, you can take us out, baby.
JClay:And music coming next next week. Right. Next week. But yeah. Yeah.
JClay:So appreciate y'all again. Let's do this. We're every Sunday, noon central time. Yeah. So remember, your perfect creation made by a perfect creator, so you might as well accept your perfection and enter perfect mode.
JClay:Yeah. Yeah. If I reminded you that you are perfect, you argue me down or step into your perfection? Welcome to perfection. Welcome to perfection.
JClay:To perfection. Where there are no excuses, no expectations, and we explore the world without limitations. I'm Jay Clay, rapper, and spiritual teacher Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.
JClay:Perfect.
